A shaft of light breaking through...

The last time I wrote in this - things seemed pretty bleak... I was coming to terms with some pretty dark days that I had chosen to run away from. That entry was the beginning of some healing for me. Translating those unspoken words from my heart to pixels turned out to be a first step towards some honest introspection.

To describe the past few months as a confusing time would be wrong. To describe them as a humbling time would be closer to the truth. I think I began to believe the hype. I stopped listening to the still small voice of God and I started listening to other voices. Voices that filled my head with different ideas. In some senses, I feel as if I was led to the edge of a cliff and tempted in the wilderness. Unfortunately, I didn't have the spiritual sense to know what I was being offered. I was entertaining offers that only God can make. I was being offered the world, in a sense, and I believed it.

The beautiful thing about life now is that I no longer am looking to blame anyone, no longer looking for a scapegoat. If I was to really arrest the guilty party, I would have no problem locating him. Every time I gaze at myself disapprovingly in the mirror - he's there... accusing, poisoning, wounding.

The only way that I can describe the way I feel now is... hopeful. I may not know what is next - but for the first time in my life - that's fine with me. I am waiting. But it isn't waiting with fearful expectation like I do before a tax appointment... It's a different sort of waiting. Almost like the waiting that comes after engagement, but before marriage. You have huge dreams and hopes for what married life will be like, but no real clue what lies ahead. All you know is that the eyes you are gazing into right now are the eyes that will be looking at you until you are old and gray. You are anticipating a new stage of life - one that will change everything. And with that, a new level of intimacy and dependency. You are passionately waiting. It means that life doesn't stop until your hope is fulfilled. It means that until that moment arrives, you are living life to the fullest. Serving, loving, enjoying, fighting, suffering, and everything else that goes with living. I think of my wife, Angela, when we were engaged. She was living at home with her parents to save money. She was working hard at a job she didn't necessarily love. She worked out every night. She ate like a bird. For 8 months she lived a monastic lifestyle. How did she do it? The hope of her wedding day. The excitement and nervousness of pictures being taken that would be eternal. The unveiling of her beauty. She was waiting for the big day, but she was actively waiting. She was passionately preparing.

There are things on the horizon for us now I guess. There may be things coming together that point us in a different direction. I may not be in this job for very long. But you know what? I might. It could take awhile. So I am going to wait on God... Passionately. Preparing. Living - loving - serving - dreaming.

I have finally found peace.

Peace in the midst of waiting.

Thank you God for loving us enough to humble us, test us, and teach us. Thank you for giving us something to wait for. Thanks for drawing close to us during the waiting. I long for your intimate touch - draw us in so that you can send us out.

Amen.