It's been awhile...

Well - the last time I posted something, I felt that something was about to happen. That was indeed a prophetic statement. Many things were about to happen. Resignations. Expectations. Hospitalizations. Hallucinations. Delusions of grandeur. Grandiose failure. Vehicular Malfunctions. Accusations.

Tonight I watched Walk the Line for the 3rd time and something hit me as I sat there and wept. I have been living in a state of expectation. I have been waiting for problems to work themselves out - for people to hear of a need we have and meet it. For jobs to be laid at my feet. For churches to hear of our unfortunate ordeal and offer us the freedom to make it happen there.

I am a victim. That is how I'm living. I won't acknowledge the hurt that has occurred to my heart - how I've been let down, the promises that have been broken, the backs that have been turned. I'll pay lip service to them, but only in a bitter vent session provoked by my wife's prodding. I'm not depressed - I'm distracted. I actually respect those people that are depressed. When someone is honestly depressed, it means that they are dealing with the reality of their lives. It is a healthy emotion to go through a time of depression following a deep wounding. It's the time when the wounded area of your skin is hiding under the scab. It is tender, painful, and really vulnerable under there - but after a little bit of time and protection, new skin will grow to face the world again. But the skin doesn't look the same. It has a different sheen to it. A pinkish scar now adorns the healed area. We are never the same after a sound emotional/relational/spiritual wounding. Never. There will always be a reminder of that hurt somewhere in our hearts. But healing can take place if I just acknowledge the gaping, bleeding wound. Continuing to refuse to acknowledge the wound just causes infection and more problems. It begins to affect other areas until you are so sick that you are literally brought to you knees in pain.

I am on my knees in pain.

God I need your help. Friends I need your help. Jesus, please dear Jesus come in and heal my wounded heart. I'm in trouble. I've been hurt. My life lacks purpose. My heart feels bitter. My mouth is venomous. My head is spinning. I feel like I'm in a prison of my own design. I've walked away from opportunities because I wanted to take the high road. Well, it doesn't feel very high right now. I felt that God was telling me no, so I said no. No. No. NO. NOOOO! That's all I'm hearing now.

God I need to hear a yes. Yes I love you. Yes, you have what it takes. Yes, I will provide for you. Yes, your life will have purpose again. Yes, your car will be fixed. Yes, I'm going to give you the strength to risk again. Yes, your wife will be given peace about life again. Yes, I will heal your wife's broken body. Yes, I will heal your broken heart.

Is life happening to me, or am I making life happen.

I'm done being the victim.

Done waiting for others to step up.

I'm done allowing pride and bitterness to cloud my thinking.

I'm done waiting for God to drop the road map in my lap.

It's time to move.

Well, this has been a window into the deepest caverns of me... If things seemed to get a little preachy, it was only because I was preaching to myself. This experience has reopened some old wounds - wounds that I thought were healed... The scar tissue was ripped apart I guess. I have some profound wounds - and the messages that accompany them are paralyzing. You aren't good enough. I'm hearing it again. It had been 5 years since I was told this by a board room of men. Staring into my tear-filled eyes, they told me that they couldn't call me "pastor". I was too young. I didn't have my seminary degree. Fast forward to today - and I can hear the voices in my head. The wound feels raw again.

So what do I do? You know? Honestly, I mean I truly feel called to lead and communicate to people. To love and live in the ways of Jesus. Right now I'm selling electronics. Again. If I do my job perfectly, someone will have a great place to sit and do nothing and watch a movie. Is that really my purpose? I want to be in a place where God is using me to change lives, not enhance living rooms.

So do I update my ministry resume and get in the hunt? If I'm honest, I think the answer is yes. I know that God did amazing things at this last ministry, but let's not over-romanticize the origins. I was surfing the internet for student ministry conferences and stumbled on a youth ministry job board. I saw a good synopsis. I pointed, clicked, and the rest is history.

Is God asking us to do that again? Or should I get my rear end into seminary. Devote my life to the pursuit of a piece of paper. Masters of Divinity. That title alone scares the eschatology out of me. Wow - so when I get that degree, do I become like the Web-masters... Divine Master. Master of the Divine. Hmmm... No wonder the founder of Christian Science said that if you really want to get rich, you start a religion. Intimidating title.

I wonder what it would look like in the church if men who were truly gifted and called to be "pastors" (shepherds) were the only ones leading churches. Right now, an 18 year old shows up to a college and says he wants to major in Bible. Great, pay us our 25 grand a year. Boom. Here's your degree son. Now, the 22 year old shows up to the seminary. I want to get my "Masters of Divinity". Great, pay us our 20 grand a year. Boom. He is now fully qualified to be a pastor. As long as he does his homework and studies for his tests he is now qualified to be a pastor. But not just any pastor, a SENIOR Pastor.

I have been in so many churches where the man behind the pulpit has all the academic credentials, but is not a pastor. These are the men that are holding the church hostage. They are oppressing people into legalism because they can't lead them into freedom. Paul is their Lord and Jesus is their mascot (Brian McLaren).

I have people on both sides. Some are telling me to "jump through the hoop" of seminary to get to the next level. Others are beggin me to stay away, for fear that it will kill my heart and passion.

What is a poor boy to do? I don't know. I feel that now at least I have a healthy grid in place and theological filtration system that works properly. Is it a risk to make the Bible a textbook? To re-enter the igloo of the Christian academic subculture?

We'll see... Stay tuned. I think things are about to get very interesting.